Nasty Stuff

Jay and I purchased our first home back in December 2011. It was a perfect little starter home for us and we loved everything about it...almost. In the front flower bed, instead of flowers, there were Juniper bushes (you know, the plants that look like Christmas trees laying on the ground) They covered the entire flower bed area, which was 3x bigger than what it should have been. The first thing we said was they would have to go! (I'm sorry if you like them, I hate them. They are snake dens just waiting to be inhabited.) So when the time came a few months later, Jay's dad came over with some series tools and helped us remove them. However, what we discovered was these bushes were not going to leave us easily. We spent over a week, spending time daily, using saws, axes, and eventually a truck and chain to pull them out. Even though there were only about 5 bushes, their roots were so deep and so intertwined, you could not tell where they started or ended. They just kept going into different directions and holding hands with other roots.

I've found that bitterness is much like these Juniper bushes. In my life, infertility became the breading ground for these nasty roots. It worked underneath the surface, no one could see it, not even myself, until it had buried itself down deep and eventually poisoned me. 

Bitterness usually results from resentment over unmet needs, whether that be justice for an injustice, a desire never realized, or an undeserved hurt. Bitterness is a breading ground for jealousy, anger, hatred, disobedience, doubt, and many more things. It kills peace, hope, joy, forgiveness, healing, and mercy. 

See to it ... that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15

The more I dwelled on the hurt that I was feeling, the more poisoned my heart became. Every new baby born, every pregnancy announcement, every Facebook pregnancy update post, and every well-meaning comment about our lack of children was fertilizer to my roots of bitterness. In the beginning it was much more subtle, but over time I realized how dangerous my bitterness had become. I realized that it was not directed towards anyone but God. When my husband, or people would try to encourage me or tell me they were praying for our baby, I would do an inner eye roll. Their prayers wouldn't work for me because God was not going to give us a child. Bitterness had stolen my hope and replaced it with anger & doubt.

I can't say that I've completely removed all the deep roots from all the corners of my heart. But I am doing more root removing each day by praying, being thankful, and learning to trust God more and more.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know the purpose behind the pain. I may never know. But I do know that bitterness draws us away from God, and I'm determined to draw nearer to God through this. Bitterness is only under the surface temporarily, eventually it will rear it's ugly head and begin to destroy your life entirely. 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Satan is looking to steal our future, kill our joy, and destroy our lives and he can and will use any situation or struggle in your life to do it. Don't let him.