I still remember where we were when Jay and I decided we were ready to start our family. It was January 2011 and we were at Passion Conference. A session had just ended and we were waiting on them to serve us lunch in our seats. I asked Jay if he was ready and we both agreed...it was time.
I remember how exciting things were once we got back home. There was an expectation that everything was going to change any day now. We prayed and did our part.
After a few months, a little worry began to enter my mind, but it wasn’t until New Years that year that I started to panic. It had been a year and nothing had happened. Every New Years we get together with our friends and take turns sharing where we want to be by this time the following year. I shared that by this time next year, we wanted to have a Baby Porter.
After that night, 2012 began a hard year of wrestling with God and battling doubt about why this wasn’t happening for us. I shared last week several things I’m learning about God through infertility. Although I’m still learning so much, today I’m going to share one final lesson with you.
It hit me around the one year anniversary of us deciding to start a family that my happiness was more tied up in the blessings of God than God himself.
A genie is a spirit that when summoned by a person carries out the wishes of the summoner.
God is not a genie, but I was treating Him like one. I confused my love for God, with my dependence on Him for His blessings in my life. I didn’t realize it at first, but I wanted more of His blessings than Him. And when the blessing of a baby didn’t come, all of my messed up theology came to the surface.
When I realized this, it took some time, but repentance was in order. From then on I began to learn to live with two desires:
1. The desire to fall more in love with God every day despite what He may or may not give me.
2. The overwhelming desire to hold a baby in our arms one day.
Both can co-exist. Some days one desire may be stronger than the other. But I continue to remind myself that my happiness can only come from the person of Jesus Christ. Ten babies would not make me happy if I’m not abiding in Him. He designed us that way because He knew that nothing could fully satisfy us but Him.
Are there things in your life you are working to get your happiness from?
Is it working?
May we all learn true happiness comes from Christ.